How to Break Free From the Narcissist in Your Life

By Everyday Health Guest Columnist

Published Sep 22, 2015

By Joseph Burgo, PhD, Special to Everyday Health
If you’re dating someone who seems completely self-absorbed, shows little interest in you or your feelings, and can’t tolerate criticism, then you may have entered into a relationship with a narcissist.
You may ask yourself: How do I manage this person’s ego and make my new relationship work?
But why would you remain in a relationship, exercising your empathy and relationship skills, with a person who will never be able to reciprocate? What’s in it for you?
In my experience, people who find themselves locked in a relationship with a narcissist often have their own unconscious, and usually unhealthy, reasons for staying. If you find yourself in that position, one of these five explanations could clue you in to why you’re staying when you know you ought to call it quits.

1. You Want to Recapture the Magic

The seductive narcissist tries to win your love and admiration by making you feel good about yourself so that you’ll admire him or her in return. At least at the beginning of the relationship, he’ll shower you with gifts and compliments, and she’ll give you her undivided, adoring attention, making you feel that you’re the most beautiful and deserving person in the world.
Once you dare to criticize the narcissist, however, he may abruptly turn around and savage your self-esteem, blaming you for his own faults, and treating you with contempt. Once the narcissist calms down, if he wants to hold onto you, he may eventually apologize and revert to adoration mode. At that point, you may breathe a sigh of relief to have your “true” lover back — and you’ll gladly forgive him.
Don’t deceive yourself because you crave that feeling of adoration. The narcissist uses idealization only to manipulate you, and doesn’t truly care how you feel.

2. You’re Buying In to Your Partner’s Inflated Self-Image

Charismatic narcissists can make you feel it’s a privilege to be in their presence. Because they’re driven to demonstrate their winner status to the whole world, they’re often quite ambitious and successful people. We live in a culture that reveres the winners of the world, and if you find yourself involved with someone who strikes you as a rock star, you may get caught up in her grandiose self-image and want to stay close.
Be realistic. Nobody has it all, and anyone who tries hard to convince you she’s a superior being only wants to elicit your admiration.

3. You Fear You Don’t Deserve Any Better

The bullying narcissist builds himself up at the expense of other people, often demonstrating his “winner” status by triumphing over some “loser” he despises. In a romantic relationship, he may be emotionally abusive. Because he never admits his mistakes and needs someone to blame for them, he may treat you like an idiot, accuse you of being overly emotional, or insist you have mental problems. If you already doubt yourself and struggle with low self-esteem, you may be unable to defend yourself against this mistreatment, and find yourself believing his lies.
Protect yourself. Nobody deserves to suffer abuse at the hands of a narcissistic bully.

4. You’re Repeating a Relationship with a Narcissistic Parent

People reared by a narcissistic parent often find in adult life that being in a romantic relationship with a narcissist feels familiar. If you grew up feeling that you had to service the narcissistic needs of your mother or father, you might easily fall prey to a self-centered, self-absorbed person who expects you to do the same for her. If, during your childhood, you felt that you had to “earn” love by doing for others, the narcissist will exploit you and make you feel that nothing is ever enough.
Break free of the past. Take care not to repeat an unhealthy pattern simply because it feels familiar to you.

5. You’re Avoiding True Intimacy

Because narcissists lack the ability to empathize with other people, it’s both unsafe and unwise to become emotionally dependent upon them. Especially with the addicted narcissist, you can easily become drawn into a co-dependent relationship where you exist merely to service the narcissist’s needs. This type of relationship often appeals to people in flight from their own neediness, who fear true intimacy and inter-dependency with another person.
Face your own needs. Don’t run from dependency by tending to a self-absorbed individual who makes you feel needed and important.
In my new book, The Narcissist You Know: Defending Yourself Against Extreme Narcissists in an All-About-Me Age, the advice I most consistently offer is to get as much distance as possible from the narcissist whenever you can. If you find yourself wanting to stick with him or her, despite all the danger signs, look inward for these unhealthy reasons that you might stay when you ought to go.
Joseph Burgo, PhD, is also the author Why Did I Do That? and The Hero as Narcissist.
Photo: Alberto Ruggieri/Getty Images